A N T I C I P A T I N G --- yet trying to live life in the moment

June 30, 2007

Clearing Clutter

So I'm reading this feng shui, clear clutter from your home, hence your life, book and it advises to toss junk out, but I'm finding it hard. I found 10 or so journals of stuff I wrote since I moved to NY in 1999. Some of it is from a screenplay writing class I took at NYU -- it made me laugh, here goes (cause I want you to laugh too), fiction written in 2001, posted in 2007 for you.

Fiction:

The dentist reprimanded me today, too much tartar, wanted to know if I'd been flossing. He asked a lot of questions, too many for my taste, and I didn't appreciate the tone when he asked if I grind my teeth. What's he suggesting? Self righteous, religious right, obviously thought it was the teeth grinding associated with drug use. He spoke to me with a "I've known your family a long time attitude." I should have told him the tartar buildup was from sucking entirely too much cock, and that I would stop immediately and adopt a new regiment of oral care. Brush, floss, wax, 5 x's a day. That's what he wanted to hear. Takes a real sadist to be a good dentist, and Doctor Super Teeth is precisely that.

I have to look for a new dentist, but there could be repercussions, he's a vengeful bastard for sure and will probably call my mother when I miss my next cleaning. I can hear it now, I think your daughter has a drug problem, did I mention my son just got his MBA, Wharton, I know, it's disappointing, we really wanted Harvard, sad how we love our children, give them the best dental care and they let us down.

Friday - Update

Guiliano, the waiter called, his English is as bad or worse than I remembered. He was able to say I was beautiful and had a nice name and that Sunday afternoon would be a good time to meet. He sounded so shy and mentioned in Brazil women don't like to call men, they liked to be called or maybe he thought that was an American custom. Not sure. He said he was 34, which surprised me, because he looked so young. Maybe he meant 24 or something entirely unrelated and I just couldn't understand. He's been in the U.S. eight months.

No date tonight - met a friend, saw a movie, You Kill Me, which was a disappointment, Ben Kingsley, Tea Leoni and Owen Wilson, acting was ok, story was kind of off. Movie didn't flow. The friend is actually a former beau, but so much time has passed and he's changed so much, I hardly believe him to be the same man, the one that drew me in days following the shake-up of New York, September 11, 2001. I remember the night we met and the months following, me and the entire city took a hit and needed a salve, and he was supposed to be that for me, but wasn't. He caused more pain, further scars and since he had so many of his own, I have long since forgiven him. And now, when we meet, see a movie, have dinner afterwards, I realize I never really understood him and saw only what I wanted to see and what I needed from him. I wanted someone who couldn't love me, wouldn't love me, hardly liked me at all. And he did all three, and I never thanked him.

June 29, 2007

Thursday Update

Last night I went out with a guy I used to work with. We met for drinks, chatted, it was ok. He suggested we have dinner, but I just couldn't bring myself to eat with him, I suggested another drink instead.

No call from Guiliano (yet). I did receive a call from a 646 number I didn't recognize, am going to attribute it to him.

June 28, 2007

I date a lot - Wednesday Update

So I agreed to meet the guy from the train for a drink. He's nice, short, bald, that type of guy. We had a drink, which led to three, which became dinner and when it was time for me to rush off because I had a theater ticket (a friend had a single ticket and gifted it to me), he offered to join. And as luck had it, there were 2 seats available side by side. So, he joined me (Neil LaBute's Dark Dark House - Pretty Good) and we ended the night with a cappuccino, ice cream and a cupcake. And that's where he lost me, he had a cinnamon thing, which looked tasty enough, but he was against my cupcake, went as far as saying he didn't care for them, and suddenly short, bald and doesn't like cupcakes seemed a void to deep for even me to cross over. We ended the night, with a cheek kiss and a thank you. He invited me to join him for fireworks at his beach house on the fourth, and I might actually go, because he hung on my every word, gazed at me with disbelief and that's fun sometimes.

But, even more fun than an adoring short bald guy, is an adoring young foreign waiter with brilliant blue eyes, dark curly hair who gets a frustrated look on his face because his english won't get him far enough to engage in witty banter. His English is waiter English, menu items mostly... I saw him at lunch, he waited on me and my girlfriend and I couldn't help but express my appreciation of him to her, she already knew, he's my type, I LOVE foreign boys --- anyway, I walked her back to her office and then I bumped into our waiter, and I gave him my number, Guiliano, Italian from Brazil.

**By bump into him, I mean went back to the restaurant, which was totally crowded, but he saw me and ran over immediately, I told him I would like him to call me soon, and he might, and he might not, and that's not the point.

June 27, 2007

On becoming a type and joining a club

Went to the movies tonight, saw Broken English, a movie about a 30+ year old woman who although pretty cute and kind of fun can't seem to find a Mr. Right or even Mr. Decent in New York City, population 8,213,800. You could argue the heroine was a little nutty, three quarters into the film she quits her job and goes on a short trip to Paris. Sound familiar? Yeah, it creeped me out too. Am I some standard that has become a movie cliche, the crazy 30+ girl who can't get the boy thing right and thought a few days in Paris would be better than clocking in at the office? Who knows, I did do that same thing just four months ago.

Seriously though, I can't decide if my usual, this date is going nowhere and I don't even like this guy, but perhaps I'll salvage the night by getting some sex out of it routine has become a habit or just a way of making the best of a bad situation, you know, like making lemonade out of lemons, I try to stay upbeat, live in the moment, that sort of thing. Is that so wrong? Would it be better just to end a bad date on a bad note, rather than my happy ending approach? 97% of the guys I date, and I date a lot, are pretty useless, not especially smart or funny, some are cute, some have nice teeth, they tell me date stories, mostly ones I feel I've heard. Have I actually heard everything anyone will ever say, at least 20 times before? I want to hear something new and my next first kiss to be fireworks.

Before I forget, the movie had a lesson, a moral, a drop of wisdom as tiny as the tiniest tear that falls down the cheek of a girl whose date is already 45 minutes late and can't decide whether to pack up and go home or drink another glass of wine alone at the bar, the right bar, on the exact night they agreed to meet. Better check the cell again, perhaps a message he's running late or a text that says, am on my way, nope, no such message. The lesson (?) anyone can have someone in their life, a boyfriend, a husband, a partner, and some unions are special, but most aren't and it's more a matter of settling on someone rather than not being able to attract anyone at all. Suitors line up around corners for me, I promise you that. But none have given me a feeling that they were right or decent or special, or more accurately -- they didn't deserve me, and for that reason alone, I may just find myself outside of the relationship club forever.

June 25, 2007

Note to my BF

Before I run this post in far too many directions I want to say thanks BF, that's best friend, yeah I know, who doesn't know that? Every girl has one. But what makes her best is that she joined you at the abortion clinic even though she wasn't the one who helped you get pregnant. That was the other BF, yeah boyfriend, the guy that wants all of the privileges but none of the responsibility.

BF - this post IS ABOUT YOU, even though we never shared the above mentioned abortion clinic moment, we could have, cause face it, i'm kind of a whore and stuff like that happens to me.

Love you for letting me be who I am without judgments.

(Herroeee!!!!!!)

June 22, 2007

No, I am not a fucking teacher

I took the summer off, ok? When I meet you by chance at the nail salon, waiting in the dentist's lounge and you notice I'm wearing flip flops and cutoffs midday during the week and I confirm that yes, I am not working, I am taking the summer off, don't ask me if I'm a fucking teacher, because I am not. And don't look so fucking puzzled when I snap at you.

June 19, 2007

He's got me hooked - Q&A

You knew it was gonna happen. He dumps me on Thursday and by that following Tuesday we decide our roller coaster affair is too good to walk away from without a fight. A fight indeed, a fight between me and my better judgement, me and my self respect , me and my friend/ex T.

Question to me (from me): Why did I agree to give him another chance, a chance to show me an amazing few days then send me a cryptic text or 3 saying he doesn't want a relationship, thinks we will inevitably scar each other beyond repair, and wants to end it now before it gets to a place where the stakes are too high for anyone to get out without bruises/cuts/bites/stitches and agony (?)

Answer: Because I need to. I need to tame the beast, walk on fire, taste the high, the one that gets you to a place you can't return from. He's that drug, the one that makes you feel sooo good, sooooo good, sooooooooo elated, you feel simultaneously the most in and out of control you've ever felt, both free and in a cage and when you come down, it's hard, cold, mean and cruel --- I can't say no, can't hold my ground and I fear I've stepped another foot deeper into no return.

Question: BUT why would you waste your time and jeopardize your well being on a guy who is probably bi-polar or at least more fickle than even the super fickle "me/V"

(Esoteric) Answer: Because I have a summer off to do things I will never do again, and in August I plan a 3 week cleanse/overhaul which I expect will be the start of a new phase/face of my life, so am holding on to bad habits just a while longer - savoring the unsavory and comforted just knowing that this dangerous relationship will become tedious just as the clock strikes 12 --- August 2nd.

(See - I can be cryptic also, it's not a gift held by only you)

June 11, 2007

Fair enough

Mr. Wonderful recently reported that he doesn't want to be in a relationship, that he has too much he wants to do. OK, fair enough. Am tired of ironing his shirts anyway.

He is coming by to pick up his stuff tonight. His stuff consists of 4 pairs of slacks, socks, 2 t-shirts, 2 shoulder bags, 8 manila folders filled with his previous w-2's and other personal docs, umbrella, shoes, lightweight black jacket, 4 button down work shirts, assorted toiletries and a lap top cover. That's a lot of stuff. This guy wasn't looking for a relationship, just another storage unit to stash his overflow wardrobe, I guess. I'd like to add that I left absolutely nothing at his place, because although I was open to a relationship I wasn't expecting one to actually happen and the trip to get stuff from a short affair ex's apt. is the longest distance from home.