You knew it was gonna happen. He dumps me on Thursday and by that following Tuesday we decide our roller coaster affair is too good to walk away from without a fight. A fight indeed, a fight between me and my better judgement, me and my self respect , me and my friend/ex T.
Question to me (from me): Why did I agree to give him another chance, a chance to show me an amazing few days then send me a cryptic text or 3 saying he doesn't want a relationship, thinks we will inevitably scar each other beyond repair, and wants to end it now before it gets to a place where the stakes are too high for anyone to get out without bruises/cuts/bites/stitches and agony (?)
Answer: Because I need to. I need to tame the beast, walk on fire, taste the high, the one that gets you to a place you can't return from. He's that drug, the one that makes you feel sooo good, sooooo good, sooooooooo elated, you feel simultaneously the most in and out of control you've ever felt, both free and in a cage and when you come down, it's hard, cold, mean and cruel --- I can't say no, can't hold my ground and I fear I've stepped another foot deeper into no return.
Question: BUT why would you waste your time and jeopardize your well being on a guy who is probably bi-polar or at least more fickle than even the super fickle "me/V"
(Esoteric) Answer: Because I have a summer off to do things I will never do again, and in August I plan a 3 week cleanse/overhaul which I expect will be the start of a new phase/face of my life, so am holding on to bad habits just a while longer - savoring the unsavory and comforted just knowing that this dangerous relationship will become tedious just as the clock strikes 12 --- August 2nd.
(See - I can be cryptic also, it's not a gift held by only you)
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